понеделник, декември 17, 2001

Book-A-Minute Classics: Beowulf

this is where u can read all the most important books in the world in less than a minute each.....
I'll copy one of the books so u can just check it for yourself.


Hrothgar:Let's build a big old dining hall and call it Herot.
(They do. Then Grendel, an ugly guy, takes over Herot and eats people. Beowulf rips his arm off.)

All:You rule, Beowulf.
(Some people make SPEECHES and tell IRRELEVANT STORIES. Beowulf kills some more STUFF.)

Beowulf:Wiglaf, I'm dying. See that my funeral pyre fits my greatness.


недела, декември 16, 2001

this is something new and if u don't have what to do on the net and you speak polish.....don't be afraid to come over:)Again, you will see a blog, but this time it's not only mine so you are not going to get bored from me again
Right in the moment I feel WRECKEd and also EXCITED because I just came back from Zieleniec and I was actually skiing (or whathever it is written ) today. The last time that I had actually skiied was (what is the pst form of ski?????I can't find it in a dictionary that lies on my table for emergency moments lie this one) so it was actually 10 years ago....but I think I did it well......so overall impression excellent:)
and I tell you the mountains are the best place to drink.....no hangover after (this was the situation for the 6 of us)
in Tuedsay I am going to spend 2 days in train.......pray for my survival:))))going to cross 4 countries in a day.....(one of the few interesting facts about the trip)
as I said.....I am pretty wrecked so if u excuse me......I really need to get some sleep so good night and sweet dreams

четврток, декември 13, 2001

again doing 100 things at the same time
2 journeys waiting for me....one to the mountains one to the balkans...
and at the same time writing here and talking on the irc....trying to organize a meeting with friends from forum next week in skipje....we shall see.......
so boka for now...
as I said....
I am a busy girl

вторник, декември 11, 2001

Macedonia Search by The Imperial Network.....lot's of new things to be seen here
interesting animations with bush and Britney, mp3 from Amdi Bajram ( a gipsy mp in Macedonia), cyber guy:)))) the last one just killed me......I had made myself a man with Brad Pitt's face.......how could they not include Johnny Depp there I wonder
Today is going to be a busy day. First going to the railway station to be shocked by the new prices of tickets, then to exchagne some money then to the library to write a reaction papers, after that class on history of the english language....interesting innit?
and the long song "Child in Time " has just finished (thank god)....
a little something that I remember about the song is that long time ago (during high-school) I used to spend lots of time in a caffe-bar (non-exsisting today) which was called.........goooooooooooooood........my memory is finished, I don't remeber the name I am sorry. The thing is that there was a woman there, about 30 (with bad reputation of course) who kept asking the waiter to play this song 10 times in one evening and it was a little bit toooooo fucken much for me.....so I started to hate that song from the bottom of my heart but now, when I decide when to play it....I begun to like it again:)))
now playing...."soldier of fortune", this song also reminds me of something but.....I have to go, so I will leave it for the next post

понеделник, декември 10, 2001

I've just got back from M's where we seen "the 4 weddings and a funeral" (the funeral part was pretty sad)
of course we had 2 beers and of course the two non-smokers had lighted a few to make me a company ( as always......hahahaa)
this weekend we are going to the mountains, to Zieleniec.....so it will be a big trouble for me.....like.....what if I catch cold, what if I break a leg while skying......anyway.......the temptation is too big for me to resist, so I will go :)
Monday with big M is heading towards me
Wednsday with big W.......I am going to see somebody I miss so bloddy much......one more week........I will survive (I had survived 4 months:))))for now)

I think this is going to be a wonderfull month
and college........
fuck college.....what is the rest of the year for???????????

петок, декември 07, 2001

my list wish part 2

places to visit:

2. USA
5. Berlin
6. Amsterdam
9. Sanct Petersburg
11. Zagreb
12. Sarajevo
13. Athens
15. Barcelona
16. Jerusalem

to buy a harley davidson
to make a big colage from newspapers
to record a song in a studio
to give money to charity organizations
to see all Van Gog's works
to take drawing lessons
to work something what I love not what I must
to meditate on Stonehenge
to get a natal horoscope
to listen to my mother:))))
to move from home as fast as possible
to buy a piano and play the moonlight sonata
to perfect my english
to learn italian, spanish and German
to know Greek at least a little
to quit smoking in 5 years
to stop spending money on bullshit (coffe here, coffe there....)
to become more responsible
not to leave everything for the last day
to clean my room more often
to have more time for myself
to learn html, java

enough for today....

I can mention that yesterday I had a very nice time at guiness eventhough I quarreled with one guy (so we can skip this) but overall it was ok....
I must visit my granfather today....buy him newspapers, by him headphones for the walkman
learn some psychology
learn some grammar
and ....not going out this weeken (no money:)))

четврток, декември 06, 2001

yesterday I took a look at my diary from 1999 (I was writing diaries from 1993 I guess but most of things that I have written are lost and gone forever) and I found something very sweet and I decided to put it here in case this diary gets lost also.......
so here it is

100 wishes
by me:)

1. never to say never
2. never to give up (to try again twice, thrice and so on......)
3.not to bother about the details
4. to finish college and to get a degree
5. to visit England as quickly as possible
6. to make my own web-page (this one is done)
7. to write a novel (i think this wont be done until i retire)
8. to publish my poetry (also web publishing possible:)))
9. to make a driver lisence
10. to see radiohead live
11.to see a show in Broodway
12. to make lots of money:))) (yeah right)
13. to read everythign Sheakspeare wrote (1 third came true)
14. to have a show on the radio ( I had in school)
15. to visit all the anniversaries of my graduation
16. to stay in touch with my old friends
17. to visit Macedonia at least one a year
18. to try to come back and live there
19. to learn to play a guitar
20. never to stop writing a diary
21. to have a million cds:)))))
22. to practice yoga
23.to have a family

I will finish the list later.......

вторник, декември 04, 2001

Html Gear - Guest Gear View Guestbook you can click here and do something about the scary emptiness......

listening to cypress hill-trouble on zwei (where else)....
I am afraid......I am lazy.....I cannot work....I have too much work and I haven't done anything......that's bad, that's very bad.

Yesterday me and 2 Magda's , at a new pub near the institute....altana (we call it blue pub eventhough everything is wooden and tropical there)...again......missed 2 classes.....felt guilty......counsciense working.....and we made a promise, like for now on......no going out, no missing classes, no pubs, no cigarretes (i didn't promised this it would be a lie).....and I mean.......enough is enough.......5 exam in january....3 weeks holiday before is.....and I don't study during holidays......so that's why I had to do this now, or never.......

merry xmas!!!!!!

недела, декември 02, 2001

long time no blog this menu opened......
shame on me.... And I was so dammn sure that I will update often......but look at my day shedule.....waking up at 8 a.m going to the institute, staying there till 5 p.m until I get hoem it becomes 6.p.m and when I am at home I just want to eat something and to watch the news and go to sleep......and the weekends....mostly fullfilled with vacumcleaning, dustcleaning, shelves -cleaning and brain-filling with new short stories, new quotes from Ellis' SLA and more grammatical rules, in case I have to be an english teacher in future.....
that's life.......and of course, weekend begins on thursday, you go to jatki, you have 3 beers, you dance a little and smoke too much cigarretes and then you go home.friday is the same, sathurday is the same......
on the 17 th december, in the evening I am leaving this beautifull town (i really happen to love it, i used to hate id but i guess i didn't know that one can really have fun here:)and I am heading NA PAT DO MAKEDONIJA (on a road to macedonia ) together with my friend who studies in Krakov (the same thing as I do)....I am going to spend 3 weeks there.......it is enough:)

вторник, ноември 27, 2001


I won't be updating too often ( for now I guess I have been more than regulary updater)
I don't have time to think about life
eventhough I have time to stare in front of irc and tv and in front of a beer surrounded by lud music
I really do not have time to think about life in general
and this was supposed to be the main topic of the blog, at least it's subtopic says so "about me, my life........"(how unoriginal.....but damn it , who says I am original)
even if I have time to think about life in general I am too lazy to do it
I can say that I am reading a very good book by Kurt Vonnegut........Fates Worse than death. The book is about his life in general, about his father, mother, sister Alice, Ernest Heingway, Henrich Boll, bombing of Dresden, Jackson Pollock.......and it is the hell of a good book.
Collocvial, sweet, inteligent, open, smart, wise, experienced, secure, ironically-sarcastic but yet still innocent language
I guess I am gouing to write a degree paper on Vonnegut.......he deserves it:)))) ( I wanted to write on Irvine Welsh but since I would be the only expert on the subject.....it's not really acceptable)

In 2 weeks time I am leaving for Macedonia
I am very happy about it
I spend too much money I cannot control it I guess I need to see a Pscychatrist......but he will cost me also.......

thanx for coming
thanx for looking at this letters and asking yourself "what the hell is wrong with her"
the thing is, I don't know it anyway
but does it matter

sign my poor guestbook pls.....

сабота, ноември 24, 2001

2 wild nights (ok, not so wild, i was too carefull to do something very wild)
1 cup of coffe
a pack of l&m lights
and mustard
3 shelves of books
one computer
one television
2 windows
3 laps
2 tables ( a bigger and smaller)
1 door

and some other things such us stereo, walkman, 2 telephones, the hewlett packard:) 3 candles, 1 big red from the bottom white from the above, 2 small :1 red and one blue
2 speakers 120 W........

that's my reality for today
I love it

четврток, ноември 22, 2001


As you might know, the albanian terrorists (named themselves National liberation army) had decided to "dissarm", if Macedonia changes the Constitution giving lot more "rights" to their minority. There were long negotiations in Ohrid (between the leaders of 2 greatest macedonian and 2 albanian political parties), which finished 13 ("lucky") August (just 3 and 5 days ago were killed 8 and 10 soldiers, for to be sabotaged the peace agreement) with the so-called "draft agreement", which included: disarmment of NLA by NATO, changes in Macedonian Constitution giving "the citizens of minority communities consisting at least 20% of the population" more "rights" (I will discuss later about them) resembled in 18 amendments, and an amnesty for those terrorists who did not permitted war crimes (which fall in the jurisdiction of the Der Haag tribunal of war crimes).

And so it begin... NATO in August/September came in their mission "essential harvest", and "harvested" only 4.000 light infantry weapons (30% unusable; and 60% older than 20 years). This mission was so ridicilous, that several Non-government organizations organized a parody as a counter-answer: "We harvested the watermelons" in which they collected watermelons, bananas, pens, dolls, eggs, onions, buckets, shafts... even an rubble car! and handed them to NATO as light and heavy weapons (by the way, the expression "we harvested the watermelons" in Macedonian language /not only in SE regions where that crop is planted/ means "we scr*wed up"). Parallely to this "disarmment", in 3 phases, was open the public discussion about the Constitutional amendments.

That discussion was very prolonged, as the amendments were insulting to the Macedonian nation. Namely, for to be [formally] avoided the bi-national or federal state, from the Preambula and the normative text of the Constitution was erased the term "Macedonian people/nation", and substituted with "Citizens of Macedonia", or even "majority population". Also, the Macedonian Orthodox Church was to be put in the same rank as Islamic Religious Community, as well as Catholic, Protestant, etc. Church, Jewish Community and Jehowa's Withnesses (alltogether these have no more than 1% of the population), which was also insulting for most of the Macedonians, Serbs and Wlachs, being Orthodox; this would mean larger access of Islam and religious sects to media (and dividing-up the peoples on religious basis), as well as benefitions in gaining/denationalizing property (ooh, that was the main idea with this amendment: Islamic Community had had many large properties, nationalized after withdrawal of Turks in 1912, some in 1920, and the rest in 1945 after the coming up of Communists, who also nationalized much of the Churches' properties).

So, there were many stretchings about the Preambula, and some more amendments; but finally we succeeded to fight up a Preambula where are mentioned both Macedonian and Albanian peoples (instead "Macedonian people, together with the Albanians, Turks, Serbs, Wlachs and Roms [=Gypsies]..." it now begins "The citizens of Macedonia, the Macedonian people, as well as the part of Albanian people, the part of.... people living within Macedonia...."). But, this crisis around Preambula (mostly emotional) was only for to be avoided crisis around the normative text of the Constitution.

And now you may ask: what are the new rights given to Albaninas (and other minorities, as the Constitution differs "majority" and "minority *communities*", not specifying what kind of communities are they; meaning "ethnic" - some say that this terminology of Constitution brings us up to the Primitive Community! :)) ). Well:

- many laws (considering education, health, funding...) must be voted with at least 1/2 of the parliament deputies origining from minority communities [which means: political blackmail]; - same conditions for voting 1/3 of the Constitutional Court [meaning: they got to be Albanians]; - there is "inter-community council" which could vetoize some Parliament decisions [that would be a kind of "House of Lords"]; - all minorities consisting at least 20% of the population (Albanians are 30-35%, and it refers only to them) have their language official at the WHOLE territory of Macedonia (another version of that amendmet, considering "language spoken by at least 20% of the population" would officialize also Serbian and English, perhaps even Bulgarian and French languages?!?); in local communities that right was present long ago! - new law for local self-government should give local communes higher budget [collected nationwide, not locally!] more ingerences over education, health, planning... [which means: no money for ethnic macedonian pupils/teachers and patients/doctors; planing was already local] and even the right of allying of some communes [= federalization at back door, if all albianian-majority communes are united]/ - the Ombudsman must be voted not only by 2/3 votes of all deputies, but also with 2/3 votes of minority deputies [which means: he must be of Albanian origin, or very close to one]; - same conditions are worth for future changes of the Constitution; - that conditions would be worth even for declaring new national symbols, which means... a black hawk [=albanian national symbol] on our herald and flag!!! :(( [note: Macedonia still hasn't adopted a post-communist herald, and the current anthem contains the non-constitutional words "Macedonians"?!?]; - Macedonian Orthodox Church no longer has any advantage over other religious communities, although it played a very important historical role in survival of Macedonian nation during the 1000 years of slavery of our nation; - The police and the army must reflect the ethnic dispersion in their command structures [which means: all military secrets open to Albanians in a possible future uprising]; - with a final "under-door" verbal amendment, the working quorum of the Parliament was erased (not 61 out of 120, but - no mentioned!), which means sessions with only 5-6 deputies present!!! a worldwide NON-SENSE!

Of course, these constitutional changes would affect many (1/2 or more) of all laws, which are yet to be changed... And who says that this downhill process would stop here?!? Albanians didn't showed any respect to this country, offering the greatest minority rights in Europe that a *unitary* non-immingrant country could afford!!!

The situation at the terrian is still unchanged: albanian guerilla, renamed themselves from "National liberation army" to "Albanian national army" and continued with provocations; 2 days before voting of amendments were killed 3 policemen!!! The hypocricious "international community" tells us: "Treat them as terrorists! We dissarmed the *rebels*, and you accepted the peace demands... There could be no rebels any more!"; but, nevertheless, in practice they still support them: they didn't cut their money flows [earned by albanian narco-mafia, helding 70% of herione market in Western Europe and a bit in USA], they didn't arrest the suspicied terrorists in WE or in Kosovo; they even send generals to *train* albanian terrorists!!!

The hypocricious western leaders and diplomats are, namely, for conserving Macedonia within these borers, but do anything to harm us and to realize the idea of "Greater Albania". What makes them so albano-phils? Yes, there is a strong albanian lobby in WE and US, sponsored by criminal money, which does it - and politicians usially got corrupted; another thing is the theory that all Slavic nations are Russian allies and Western enemies, which is a kind of *RACISM* towards us (Russia, unlike for Serbia, has no real interests in Macedonia; their support is just verbal in the Security council of UN); while Poland and Czech Republic (now members of NATO) are still calm - they let US to do whatever likes, knowing that if they resist, they might be excluded from the Alliance!

However, after 11 September America and the West are no more the same. They understood that the terrorism once sponsored by them [chech the biography of Osama bin Laden, to see who taught him so well] could later turn against them. There were recorded materials of mujahedin fighters in wars in Bosnia, Kosovo and Macedonia; our intelligence even caught them on a video recording! And, as a schlagworth - yesterday, among the captured international Taliban fighters, were 6 having Macedonians passports [the news agencies didn't mentioned - whether they were Albanians, or Arabs, who got Macedonian citizenship with help of the albanian functioners in the macedonian government! Either way, it shows that Albanians and Talibans /aren't they just PERMUTATIONS OF LETTERS :) / work for the same ISLAMIC CAUSE!!!].

And, what are the consequences of all this? Macedonia is up to be defeated (and most Macedonians have no intention to fight for a "multiethnic coexistence" - that's just an utopistic dream, from which we were waken up a year ago). The scenario of remaining of the Albanians within Macedonian borders is even worse than division of Macedonia, as they might breed up enough for to became majority themselves within 7-10 years (having the average fertility rate of 6 children per family, that estimation is really good!), and re-take Macedonia by voting only!!! [that thing happened on Fiji last year; and more nations with lower fertility rate, including USA, Canada and France, would have that problem SOON]. None of the deputies (or intelectuals) mentioned the albanian bitch-breeding and colonization of Macedonia as a problem; none asked for a Constitutional amendment for limiting the child birth of "families unable to support more than 1 child" (= mostly Albanians and Gypsies), neither the easy-to-comply conditions (5 years of residence and few words in Macedonian) for gaining Macedonian citizenship of foreign (mostly - Albanian from Kosovo) immigrants [= colonists]! So, if Macedonia is betrayed, it is betrayed *first of all* by Macedonians!

But, the division of Macedonia would have a great impact to european separatisms! It would be a first time, after World War II, a national border to be changed (other cases, like dissimilation of USSR, Czechoslovakia and former Yugoslavia were just divisions among the federal states; unification of Germany was also so; wars in Bosnia oficially didn't changed it's borders... so Macedonia is to be the first!)!!! This event could encourage more terrorist organizations (IRA, ETA, etc.) that they could success in their separatist intentions, and could trigger new wars for changes of borders!!!

Finally, let's see the geo-strategical constelation. If I were an evil senior official in Pentagon or CIA, I would like to destabilize all other opponents - European Union, Russia, China and Japan. So, the conflict in Macedonia both destabilizes EU and Russia (more precisely - whole Europe); notice that, except ourselves, the greatest economic damage from our war was done to German and Greek companies being investors in our country! If our war (and Kosovo one) finally ends, with no-matter-the-outcome, there should be found new fireplaces - and, as you might reason by yourself - the Baltic region is ideal for that! It's close both to EU and Russia, and would destabilize BOTH! The early source of conflict should be in Latvia, which is less democratic European coutry concerning minority rights, and then expand to south and north (I'm sorry, but I'm just analyzing "If I were"). But, while Balkan burns, you might feel safe, as there wouldn't be a need for new european war by Americans.

So, look how ridicilous is our situation: Greece, who made lots of problems to us during these 10 years of independence (in cluding long blocade of the border /which leads us to the nearest port in Solun[=Thessaloniki]/ and delaying our accompying to the UN family of nations), now is supporting us in this crisis!!! Why? Because they have problems with Albanians of their own (there were 1 million of them in Greece, now having no minority rights, or treated as "economic immigrants"), and would loose their economic interests in our country. Germany is also trying to be neutral, but the opportunism of their politicians is too obscure, so they can't see their interests. They are now leading the NATO mission "Amber fox", but still are not 100% objective in relations to us. France sent a new EU emmisary (the previous, french also, was bribed by Albanians, and was not following entirely the EU commision demands), which is also tryin to be more objective! While the american emmisary was expelled by our prime minister a week ago (namely, with the words: "Osama bin Laden is right when claims that YOU, AMERICANS, ARE THE GREATEST WORLD TERRORISTS", and I don't believe he will return to Macedonia). And... the promised Donatory Conference (after adopting Constitutional changes) is still far of sight, which could collapse the anyway fragile Macedonian economy, harmed also by crisis expenses... Large inflation awatis us!!!

CAUTION: Today(relativly) are the Kosovo parliamentary??! elections. The crisis was formally "calmed" until today; but intelligence services are expecting a soon All-Albanian uprising (concerning South Serbia, parts of Montenegro and Macedonia), which territories are to be added to Kosovo when [they hope - very soon!] it gains independence (it's more likely that today-elected Parliament, having 80% Albanian deputies, would declare that independence at once; but UN governor should put a veto on that decision). So, don't be surprised when you hear new news about our crisis soon.

Be in good health during this winter - and watch news!!! We, here, in Republic of Macedonia, aren't frightened of what's yet to come. We have too much nerves to be burned by small war accidents ;)))


среда, ноември 21, 2001

My legs hurt (too much hacking yoga)

enough poetry for this week, coming back to the boring ordinary blogging thing
"today I had coffe and cigarrete for breakfast
they say it's not healthy
but I am still young, so I will propably not seee the consequences of my silly acts by the age of thirty
so that means I have 10 (whoops) 9 years to live

if you are sitting nest to something wooden (like your head) knock on it so my previous sentence wont come true

thank you
you just gave me a year more to leave
tommorow I will check the couter and see how much u like me


понеделник, ноември 19, 2001

ode to a pub

part 3 and final

I had my ritual. I was happy to have it. The coffe that I used to drink at home was a war with the boredoom, the coffe that I drank there was different, special, something was going on in the usual working day. I don't say that it was not boring, but I used to find myself there between those walls and even if I was silent I felt like I was speaking. When I didn't speak, I was communicating, interacting with the walls, people, smoke, rhytm and base. I couldn't do it in any other place but there. Sometimes I would leave the house alone, go out, and stand by the wall. It happened that I rejected all the small talk. I allowed myself to make nonsense movements with my hands, led by the music. sometimes I was ashamed, sometimes I din't care, sometimes I cried and sometimes I laughed. Sometimes I would follow somebody with a malicious look, I used to push away people that I didn't like. I used to make loud commentaries, I had pride. Sometimes that pride was astonishingly big, sometimes I didn't have it at all. I did whatever came into my mind. I learned to speak smart, vicious, ironic, funny, sincere. I really learned a lot.

Now I have that problem that wherhever I go I look for tht place. I cannot find it anywhere. It is gone, it is not even in the place where it was back in my hometown. The place is still run, it still has people in there but I don't go there anymore, not too often. It's not my place anymore. I cannot do the things that I could do then now. Nothing is the same anymore. Nobody is the same anymore. I am not the same anymore.

I started to grow, I will never be the way I used to. I will always come back there, I will feel strange, I will think about what I was and who the hell I was supposed to be.....
I will come back


this thing was written in 1999
and really....everything is changed since then also:)
I guess changed mostly for better and I am very glad it is so

недела, ноември 18, 2001

ode to a pub

(part 2)

Different kinds of people used to go to the place where I had spent the most beautiful days in my life. I have learned a lot about people and myself. I have learned to sit by myself on the bar. I have learned to sit in silence when everybody else is drinking and dancing and to dance and sing while everybody else is sitting and staring. I have learned the meaning of standing by the wall and listening to the music for five hours without even saying a word. It’s one of the most important things that I have ever learned. Meditating and enjoying myself. I have learned that you can understand another person by just looking at him, and that in the evenings people carry masks on their faces. Yes, different kinds of people used to go there. They used to come and go, they were changing, constantly. I was changing constantly. They used to develop their personality there, or degrading their personality. I did too, depending on the moment. Lately, I could see myself in all the new 15-year-olds spending their rainy and sunny afternoons there. I could see in them how silly I had looked in those times. Sometimes I acted silly but I never acted wrong. The most important thing I guess was that I have learned not to feel sorry for anything I had done. Everything is a part of you whether you like it or not. The things that I had gone through are what I am now. Do not run to catch the chances, chances will come to you in this or other shape one day. Everything will come to you in its right time

Part three and final........yet to come

сабота, ноември 17, 2001

There is a place back in my hometown where every day I used to give 20 denars for cup of coffe and smoke 20 cigarretes.I don't know if it was worth doing only there, but I used to enjoy it. Sometimes (oh, god..sweet 16) I used to escape without paying for my coffe and in that case I had saved myself money for not walking home but going with bus. Of course those were only exceptions, because it was stealing and I am not a thief, I had to keep my reputation....which frankly speaking i didn't have.
I used to live in a town not known to the 99,99% of the world population so I now take this change to desribe it in few words. The town is ok, neither big or small,you can live there normally and safely. It's not expensive, you are in contact with all the blessings of the western civilization eventhough u r actually too far away from it, but in that time you don't know about it and you don't really care. After soem time you realize that it gets too boring and you escape. And finally, after managing to escape from it you realise that there are not good and bad cities, there are only good and bad moments in life, boring or interesting. Everywhere you go you can go the same things, you win or loose you walk in circle, it doesn't matter when and where, the meaning and the feeling actually stays the same.......

(part 2 later)

петок, ноември 16, 2001

What is the purpose of classical music. What is the purpose of dividing music into high and low, into artistic and rubbish? Is it only a way in which people can divide themselves into educated and uneducated, between consumers and respecters, between lovers and ignorants ?????????
Is a classical composer less of an artist than Jim Morisson for example? Do the sprayed cartoons on the walls worth the same as the works of Renuair(sorry if I have written the name wrong)? How far can we discuss art without discussing it the wrong way, what is art? Is it the form or is it the message? Is it the movement of the brush or the message which is hidden in the Andy Warhol’s tomato soups????
What is rubbish, what is art? Is it individual or is it something that had to be understood by everybody not only by those who where told what is the art of some things. Is art mainly a product or pain? Can a happy man be a great artist? Is art a product of frustration or of a talent, or maybe of both..... what is the feeling of producing, creating a work of art, does one do it for himself or for the others to enjoy it and to praise the author??????

Enough questions, going downtown to fill up my beer reservs..........

четврток, ноември 15, 2001

a little mistake...

the previous post was written yeterday but posted today because of my marvellus dial-up conneciton
I don't have to go to college today and spent all morning watching ali g video

so aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!
ania s is in da haus

listening to leb i sol-cukni vo drvo (a song which reminds me so much of my wonderfull childhood, mostly the the holidays in Pelister)
A wonderful day.........I am lying, it was awfull
First, having to wake up at 6 a.m, then going out t catch the tram. After I left the building where I live I thought i will start to cry from anger, it was so terribly cold, and I was wearing a winter jacket, two blouses, gloves, cap and all of that winter clothing kind of crap.......and that didn't workL I got frozen in November. Later on, in the afternoon, I went to find myself a job. It was on some street that I didn't know, at some place where I have never heard about and...as one can easily conclude from the above mentioned stuff, after 2 hours of walking I didn't get there. So I am angry on the weather, on the unserious people......
I think I need to get some sleep

p.s watching sex life at the moment, people have really serious problems with their body ( too long or too short front parts of it) and I sit here, drinking cappuchino and complaining about the weather.....

вторник, ноември 13, 2001

The worst thing was that she still had hopes that something could be saved, still. That the reason that he doesnt right doesn't have to be the one that he doesn't think about her. Maybe the hope was still with her because she couldn't live in other way than with hope. She ahad always watched the world with hopes evethough she was aware of the worst script that the destiny could have written for her. She wanted to wait. She waited for 4 long years. She waited because she had hope. She would have waited for 10 more if she someone would give her a sign that this is a waiting with an aim. If she couldn't recieve a sign she would think of one. Strange forces used to come to her in her dreams. A voice that used to tell her that she can get everything she wants if she cares about it enough. And she really was fitting in this category, she loved from the soles of her feet to the top of her head. She loved so much that this love was stronger than she was. That love was living instead of her, crying instead of her, speaking instead of her. That love was one with her. She was so damn sure that love couquers all, and if she let this love to guide her she will win. He will be hers. She couldn't imagine a life without him. Everything else wasn't making sense.

She was so daaaaaaaaaaaamn pathetic, will anybody helo her????????
A little something that i wrote last year.....

She was standing in a shadow. The shadow had the color of ink. She felt like if someone had poured that ink on her. Autumn was coming. It has always been like that in autumn. But she thought that maybe this time it would be different, that this autumn will be a crown to the most beautifull summer of her life.She wasn't asking for much, she only wanted to take a little piece of him with her. She didn't make it. All her hopes crushed. Only a shadow was left from the summer. A shadow means a rest in a hot july afternoon. A shadow means a curse in a September morning. Just like today, 29th of September, anno domini 2000.
She used to dream a lot. Some people would kept coming to her in her dreams.She got nervous because they were not excatcly the ones that she wanted to dream about. She couldn't control her dreams. She wanted to live through all this in her dreams. She reminded herself of the curse-May god give you everything you have ver wished for and then take it away from you. She never believed in that curse, but someone just had to throw it to her. In the times when she didn't have it, she used to think that if she finally takes it nobody will ever have enough power to take it away from her.She was wrong. That morning she undrestood she was wrong.

She was sitting in her room at eight o clock in the morning. Again she woke up at 7 eventhough she didn't have to. She couldn't sleep. And all she wanted was to sleep. She thought that if she sleeps she will rush up the day, rush up the year and that summer will be here again. There will be no such summers anymore. Nothing will be the way it was before.

part two yet to come :)

недела, ноември 11, 2001

I have mace myself a personality test at www.thespark.com.......which I strongly recomend and here are my results, I am a mastermind which in other words is submissive introvert abstract thinker:)

Like just 9% of the population you are a MASTERMIND
(SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your
reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to
analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected
solutions. Normal people call this "scheming." Don't learn

Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your
strengths, and people will respect your judgment once
they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more
personable, you could be a great leader--you've definitely
got the "vision" thing down. Just make sure all the plotting
you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.

Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow
and Mrs. King, Montgomery Burns.

thom is tired......
And then I said to myself, damn it...you cannot write. Even the simplest 200-word reaction paper is a big problem for you, and it wasn’t supposed to be this way. You would love to write but you cannot write about anything else but yourself and that’s not exactly a talent, anybody who wouldn’t mind wasting his time (like you do) could do it. And it’s like all that is inside me stays there and dies there and I feel very sorry for that but there is nothing I can do to save it. This week it’s terrible, my i-net connection is worst than ever and even if I write something which I would be proud of myself the connection stops and the “blog this” shit doesn’t register anything that I cared to write down. And now I’m trying since 9 A.M to connect via this dial up thing but it just doesn’t work.
I guess it’s my P.M.S. period and that’s the reason I am so nervous, I cannot concentrate on one thing for more than 5 minutes, and I am terrible. There is a fire burning in my head and I think I will explode any moment (even tough I have already exploded today for a piece of tomato There is a little sun coming through my window but outside it’s very cold. On MTV Hey and cisza ja i czas, one of the greatest bands in Poland with one of the most original women in the Polish rock scene- Kasia Nosowska. She has a new look, dreadlocks. There are too many people in Wroclaw wearing dreadlocks...why is it that if something comes in fashion I begin to hate it, I get sick from it, so now it’s the dreadlocks situation that I hate, before that was I guess the Capri trousers (those short little pink sweet disgusting pantaloons which every girl used to wear during summer and it was so very ugly, I started to hate going out because of being doomed to watch girls with blue and pink Capri trousers)
I am nervous because, this week I haven’t been alone at home for 5 minutes, so that means that I have to beware my every step because I will have to hear this unpleasant high-pitched voice for the next 30 minutes for i.e. not leaving a pen in the right shelf. I see that I have changed 10 subjects in 20 sentences...hihihih...I begun to like it. Why don’t I just throw everything down, here, first on word processor and then on my blog. The hell with it I will. Now a little light glows in my head and it says CENSORSHIP... bip bip...that’s the end of it, don’t write about you state of mind, u are registered on the biggest portals with your real name and surname, so u have to watch your stupid reputation, what if someone who knows u read this, what if someone who knows you reads about him of herself here...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I am watching MTV news...the Corrs ...discusting, Magda Femme.....Nice synonym but disgusting, five-a non-excisting boys-bend...only good news, Michael Jackson will shoot a movie with Liza Minelli about two artists not being able to make a career. Britney Spears with her sweet voice is telling about her new album, oh, guess what she just said fuck on MTV...I cannot believe it, holly Britney Spears.Halleluiah. Corrs new album, the best of...how original
Now playing on MTV-Dido- hunter

петок, ноември 09, 2001

sei la vita mia
quanta nostalgia
senza te

i santo california-practicing italiano

среда, ноември 07, 2001

anyways I saw this:)

today was a great day.....I mean nothing particular but one exception.....I always wanted to see Andy Warhol's works......and guess what.... I SAW THEM TODAY:)))))
and I am so very excited, i spent 3 hours in the gallery, paid 10 zloty (half-priced tickets), spent 1.5 hour staring at the series of ladies and gentlemen, myths, the gold book, maos and other extraordinary images and then about 1.5 hour watching a documentary about the genious himself.......

this is one of my favourite quotes from andy......put coke instead of tab:)

"You can see a billboard for Tab and think: Nancy Reagan drinks Tab,
Gloria Vanderbilt drinks Tab, Jackie Onassis drinks Tab, and just think,
you can drink Tab too. Tab is Tab and no matter how rich you are, you
can't get a better one than the one the homeless woman on the corner is
drinking. All the Tabs are the same. And all the Tabs are good. Nancy
Reagan knows it, Gloria Vanderbilt knows it, Jackie Onassis knows it,
Katharine Hepburn knows it, the baglady knows it and you know it."

вторник, ноември 06, 2001

I will never learn html.......
how the hell can I add a picture
this is a test nb 2

this is a test:)
I am learning html.......
since today, I thought I knew Wroclaw......but I got lost today.....again, and it was not just one street......there were like 20 streets and I didn't know how the huck I got there and how the hack to get out.....
but after some time, it started to sound fun....I found a nice park with a pond and ducks and swams swimming......and saw some beautifull buildings that I had never seeen before, and I didn't want to leave these unkown streets......so I send few sms-es and sat on a bench and had a few smokes feeding the ducks....
so again it has been a lovely day

понеделник, ноември 05, 2001

another happy monday has finished.......but of course......more modest than the previous time.....again I have made myself vacations, again I had bought myself too much beer and the only thing that could be skipped was the cinema (some french crime movie, I don't even remember the title)........and of course Mr. Sullivan was soooooooooooooooo veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy booooooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

aha.......from now on, from time to time I will write on another blog since I got an invitation and I can't say no:)
but I'll add the link some other time since today I am to lazy to push back on the iexplorer:)

сабота, ноември 03, 2001

A MEMORY...........

We sit in front of St. Dimitrija' church. We can't see the moon because the houses and the church tower block the sky. Her, talking nonsense, and me drinking cheep beer bought from the nearby store. In front of us people walk to and from the bar. We will go there too later but now it's too hot inside and I had grown enough not to stay at the lobby anymore. Everywhere around me people are drinking beer or wine, I don't know them but I feel safe having them by. I feel I could tell them everything. I have just come home from the summer holidays and all I want is to see him. Finally he comes. Of course, he doesn't see me sitting on the church stairs. He just goes straight to the bar. I drink the beer in a record short time and leave the empty bottle next to my friend so she can take it back to the store. You have to take the empty bottles back to the store because the saleswoman won't sell you beer anymore. I walk inside the bar. Two pairs of stairs, I take the door in front of me. He is not sitting in the first room; he is in the other. Ok, so I continue my long walk. I can see his back through one of the little windows that connect the two rooms. And I enter the room, but I pass it quickly and go to the bathroom. It is free. I splash my face with water. Oh my god, my make-up. Ok, smile to the mirror, yeah yeah you look fine. I walk out. I go right behind me. He doesn't notice me or at least acts like that. So I sit next to him. He looks at me. I look at him. He has green eyes. He is smiling. I hug him. He kisses me. I think...oooooooh god........ How miserable is every summer holiday's flirt to this. How miserable are all emotions towards this. ...This is a culmination, it stays forever.

петок, ноември 02, 2001

My town is falling asleep in silence
Clouds hid the moon
Dream has been a king here since eternity

Here sleep the town’s beauties covered with stone make-up
And the young boys have fallen asleep with their thick jelly hair
And the cats are napping on the roofs
In the summer
The white walls of the houses are having their rest

I see my town not managing to recognize it
Crumpled, and protected by the sun dust
The stream of the mountain is murmuring quietly
And the wind blows in silence fondling the white hair
Of the old men sleeping.

I can’t see the color of my town’s eyes
Its lids are soft
I kiss them and leave

My town is asleep somewhere near the southern mountains
In the green valley seduced by Morphs
Somewhere far away the dead are resting from life at the white lazy cemetery
I walk in silence.
Leaving you,
I dont even try to turn around
I’m afraid that my tears will flood it’s phlegmatic

четврток, ноември 01, 2001

so here I am again......at the moment I am watching a movie.....double life of Veronique......I don't have the mood to watch it.....so I guess I will leave it alone at least for now
Yesterday I was at the cinema, and watched BLOW with one of my favourite actors......Johnny Depp of course (who else)and the movie was........well......interesting, I wouldn't call it a masterpiece but it was ok.....first it was funny (when he was selling marihuana) then it started to get serious (shen he started to work in Columbia and sell cocaine) and at the end it got reallllllly sad.....and of course.....I cried
then I went to one of my favourite clubs and danced on some latino rhytms till 3 a.m
and today.......I am absolutely worn out

среда, октомври 31, 2001

so I see blogger has added all those word processing things, which will maybe help me to improve my writing here.......because I know it is terrible:)
todays news is that from 5 a.m our undernet channel #ajvarche has an X (that wonderfull letter from the alphabet that helps ur channel to function normally)
and I definitely had a wild monday night......listening to chech covers of Beatles......
and above all......everything is ok:)

вторник, октомври 30, 2001

try to shut me up

put rockstar shut-me-ups on your own page!

ok.........I wanted to put this in other place but it just wouldn't fit there........so it was the only solution
I had really wild days.........but that's a long story......with a hangover as a result ;)
I'm in the middle of something now..........wo catch up with u later

понеделник, октомври 29, 2001

Lately, I have these very strange dreams (I see dead ppl:))))))))))and worse thing is that I have them constantly the action may be different but the setting and the circumstances are the same. And, the worst it that the action never ends the way I would like to.Sometimes (or even ...most of the times )the action never ends at all, just like in my life......it only begins and when it's the crucial moment.....it stops.......and damn........I get so frustrated
It's like me and him have to meet somewhere, he comes in time, I come in time, we are at the same place but we can't see each other and even if we see I cannot talk in my dream.....
or today I dreamed that I was in a car with someone and the next moment he was dead and I didn't kill him but in my dream I thought that I did and I had to hide the body
or.....war is coming to my town (it's a very often dream) and I see (like in sci-fi movies) some plains firing some coloured misiles.....and of course I have to run to my house to see if anybody had stayed alive, of course they are....but, I am not afraid in this particular dream, ppl are dying around me but I am not afraid.....I tun to a place where he lives, I have to check how is he......and.....nothing happens
or .....I have to cross some grain field all alone at night and nothing happens at that time I just walk.....I try to get to some house at the end of the field......I remember that this is a regular villafe cottage with chicken in front of it.....and when I get there I go to sleep

I would really like more varieties in my dream.....I got bored by those that I have mentioned

недела, октомври 28, 2001

The Names of -- Umberto Eco

Idiot. Above her head was the only stable place in the cosmos, the only refuge from the damnation of panta rei, and she guessed it was the Pendulum's business, not hers. A moment later, the couple went off -- he, trained on some textbook that blunted his capacity for wonder, she, inert and insensitive to the thrill of the infinite, both oblivious of the awesomeness of their encounter -- their first and last encounter -- with the One, the Ein-Sof, the Ineffable. How could you fail to kneel down before this altar of certitude ?
-------- Foucault's Pendulum, Chapter 1

ok so I've got myself a book......it is very big and u can see above how it is named and who wrote it........and a wonderful quote from what I have read so far

aha........stranger:) thanx for your very usefull reference paper:))))))

сабота, октомври 27, 2001

ahahhaa......did u know that??????
I have always loved the way she dresses anyway:) so not bad huh?

today I got so bored that I begun to make a cattalogue for my tapes.....and of course i finished after the 6-th one....I got bored very soon :)

currently listening to marylin Manson-nobodies....on radiostacja of course
someone has misunderstood me again, I got a lousy message on icq and I was perfectly misunderstood.....but since I don't want to mention any names I won't wirte anything else about it. I want to read a good book...if u have read something interesting write to me....I haven read a good book for a very long long time. When I was i Krakow, and it was like a month ago, I bought penguin eddition of The Fanthom of the Opera and kind of liked it, it was good to read while sitting for 5 hours in a train. and since then.....nothing.....I just visit bookstores, see some interesting books but I leave the bookstore with emty hands, the good books are eighter expensive eighter not for sale of course....
I promised myself that I won't go out these two weeks in order to save some money.....and I am keeping that promise....it's easier than to quit smoking
ok....more to come.....after the commercials of course

sitting in the room, writing on the discusion board......but nothing......I mean nothing to write about

but I am surely listening to daaaaaaaamn good d'n'b at the moment
too bad I am at home and not in Ohrid on the beach durin the rising of the sun.......and the same music of course......but u know, dancing barefoot on the beach......
I think I am sleepy

петок, октомври 26, 2001

Bjork Lyrics

yesterday I saw Bjork's Pagan Poetry on mtv.......but damn.......the best parts were hidden of course.....as it often happens on mtv. So now, I am going to keep a close look on zwei.....the best music tv I can watch, too bad it is in german, and too much german hip-hop-I hate rap when I don't understand the lyrics. I have to learn German some day, today I will have my first German test in this term, it will be something about perfect.....of course I don't know anything about it.....but I will take my chance, why not... I was told that the tests were easy, so we shall see


четврток, октомври 25, 2001

first he got into the page, then he started to worry, after that he told her that there is such a page on the net, and they both started to worry.....They felt like someone will kill their privacy. I know that he is going to check in more oftern, after all it's a public blog right? But I told them , there would be nothing about them here. They told me , how can u write a diary on the net and anybody can read it, and I told them, damn it's not a diary.....it's blog......I would never wrote a diary on the net, diaries are boring.....Why would anybody care what I ate for breakfast and where was I last night......they certainly don't know what a blog is. But they can sleep well, I won't mention them......maybe the thing that hurt them most was that they didn't understand a word written here.....and I do it so anybody can understand me:) but....sometimes, it doesn't work out.
I don't see what is wrong in here, no name mentioned except mine, no adress, no telephone number, no date of birth.....
it's said that every intolerance comes from fear
but they will get used to it, soon

среда, октомври 24, 2001

silence......only silence today. Me and my dots:)
been browsing through some blogs, some of which I liked some of which I hated, and there were few I really liked but I won't tell u which were they because i forgot.....anyway, most of them are polish.....from blog.pl
I am so very lazy lately, and a week ago I was all energy, I got so hyperactive that I didn't know what to do with myself, and now....it's normal.....I am lazy, just lazy
thank god I have at least done everything for tomorrow (presentation at conversation classes) so I guess....I am not that bad
Yesterday, i was reading the holy bible.....again, and eventhough I am sort of an atheist.....eventhough I would rather call myself agnostic, I found the bible the most beautifull, most complex, most misterious of all.....and that's why I am constantly returning to it.....it's a nice book before u go to sleep and it's aim is really to make a better person out of yourself.
and with this I will again say good night, morning and afternoon to all of u who will stop by and give me a visit
take care
Random Blatherings

"I'm not alone cuz the TV's on yeah...I'm not crazy cuz I take the right pills everyday"~JimmyEatWorld

вторник, октомври 23, 2001

Today's YOGA had killed me......and this was supposed to be relax......ok it was for the last 20 minutes when we were supposed to lay down and listen to our heartbeats or something........btw, I am home now, after 20 minutes I should be sleeping.........after all, tomorrow is another day
and........you know, the situation with the credit card.......I AM BROKE......you can send me donation:)))))
but anyway, I have like very little amount of zlotys to survive these, at least, two weeks and today I wanted to go to a nice coffe- bar to have a nice cup of coffe......and so I did but when I got the information about how much money I have to pay for this damn lavazza I almost started to cry.......anyway.......the meaning of the story is......look at me trying to save money.........it's not my fault, I war robbed today.........

again, getting at the wrong place at the wrong time.....
why wrong time?
it got so cold and we were sitting outside and before that it was sunny......

so......good night or good mornind or good whathever......
and wish me sweet dreams of course........bc lately I really prefer dreams, no mather how strange and surrealistic they are sometimes, to reality...

понеделник, октомври 22, 2001

one more ugly day......aren't they too many already???????
it's not my fault.....it's only me getting in the wrong place on the wrong time....and sometimes, not getting into any place where I should go at all
morning, woke up at 5 o'c'clock, I lost my father's tram card so he decided to punish me not giving me the money that I have borrowed him back (which, mind you, were like 5 times more than the fucked up card which has a value mind you again till tomorrow)
so I was too nervous to sleep again and of course I waited for few hours till everybody got lost from the flat and turned on the computer, make myself some coffe, light a cigarrette.......and to try to live again...

and it worked for few hours until i went to college......boredoom as usual
was to lazy to go to learn Italian someday
and went home
and got accused for spending some money from my credit card which o course I didn't spend
so my mother decided that I don't deserve the credit card
like I needed it
and she took it away
and I am sitting here, trying to think positive
thinking like.....you know, it's just a period, someday life will be beautifull
I live for 2 weeks, which will come in december when I will hug the only person in this world that I adore
and wonder again is it worth hugging him
for now, of course the answer is yes.....but.......
i hate but's

ok.....too many frustrated thoughts already

sick of it all

not listening to anything, my cd is kaputt and radio sucks

недела, октомври 21, 2001

can u think of a possibility to stay original?
can u think of a possibility not to be brain-washed?
Is is possible in todays world?????

is it????

can I hope for it......would it be too funny.....I love to believe in things.....love to believe in positive things such us greater tomorrow, love and happiness........

I think I sound funny......I have this problem from lie two years ago.....care about everything too much......and in the same time.......not doing anything about it.....just thinking

sorry for my dots
but I happen to like them ;)
yesterday again.....beer and vodka......but anyway.....it was not good....wrong music, wrong ppl, wrong me
when I came home.....it was about 3 a.m I turned on the computer and checked out whether somebody is on irc....and there was nobody at least nobody special, and after some time one nickname had showed on the screen telling me that I have a nice blog and things like that.....so I got curious and we started talking (typing:)....and that conversation had took me 1.5 hour (i guess) and so

I COULD SLEEP FOR THOUSAND YEARS.....I know that I have already written about it......but it's such an universal song

I wanted to say hello to that person in case he reads this now or maybe tomorrow
and take care....

that's it for now

listening.....kiril dzajkovski.......album....religion and sex....excellent

сабота, октомври 20, 2001

checking out what is in the wroclaw's cinemas.......

and the answer is NO THING!
at least not the things that i wanted to see.....and if they are you have to catch 7 different trams and get frozen at the bus-stop......NAAAAAAAH! not for me, not today thank you
i feel not so good and they all want to go out tonight......and I will, I don't know why......maybe not to feel lonely at home, maybe not to think about the things that I often think and even dream about....
I want to escape from one emotion, from one feeling which I can not stans
it's generally a positive feeling......but now it is DESTRUCTIVE for me

so that's why I am going to waste more money on beer
maybe the music will be ok
eventhough I doubt

listening to depeshe mode......freelove
have to go.....to eat:)

петок, октомври 19, 2001

I have always wanted to write.......and I have the opportunity to do it now.....I truly do not care if anybody will read me, I don't care about the counter and about the guestbook.....I begun to write this blog because I was writing diaries or just tried to express my emotions in every way I could.....because I feel I have a way of looking at the world and I need to express it......and no, I will not be original, and no.....this will never be a good blog.....it has a terrible graphic, I don't know any html......so webrings are not curious for me to join them.....but anyway.....that's not going to change anything, I will wtill write.....sometimes it's going to be rubish, sometimes it's going to be something better than rubbish....but anyway......is going to be something.....and that's all that matters.

Am I supposed to get personal???? I would love to, but I am afraid....not of recognition, because if u look carefully you can find a picture of me in one of the links that I have provided.....it's not about it at all.....it's about the ppl that I would have written about......if they would recognize here......I don't think they would feel comfortable......at least some of them will not be happy about this.....

and once......I thought that u can be anonymous in the internet....
but it's very hard
and......whathever.....I will not try to be anonymous....
I don't care about it....

so it's site of ania.....ana......ana-marija.....anna-maria......ania19.......Ania`......KrAzYbAlKaN.....all those names of mine which can be found on the net.....all of them are me....
so this is my piece in the net
my angle
my world
I am going to take good care of it :)

четврток, октомври 18, 2001

what has happened today??????

what will happen tonight, that is the question:)
i was very tired but an energetic drink has done the job.....so I am ok now.......ready to dance, or just to chat and drink few beers....

so wish me to have a nice night

thank you....
btw......heading to the second hundred......and I am very glad it is so

среда, октомври 17, 2001

it's a rainy day.........true autumn........HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

listening; primal scream-kill all hippies.......from my self- made napster-based compilations......it's a great song but i didn't like the video of it.....anyway, nothin's perfect

now I am thinking about something very important to me......i have a wish to make a degree paper on Irwine Welsh's Trainspottting.....but to view it not as a novel but as a collection of short stories put together in specific order which is novelish-like( new word, all rights reserved)
but....the problem is......who the hack is going to promote it since profesors in our insitute are only specialists on Sheakspeare, renesainse and romanticism......
so.....in best case maybe i will get the oportunity to write about Vonnegut.....whom I am about to read soon....This problem really gives me the creeps, time is passing and noone knows what will happen with the degree papers......and this isn't a thing which can be written in 2 days......

but.....anyway, looking forward to the weekend, to jatki, to beer and to loud music

вторник, октомври 16, 2001

Here comes the day....

the day that ensures me that autumn is coming. It can be met anytime, in spring, in summer but it always reminds you of the autumn. It's not about seeing yellow leaves and they are falling on your head but, simly the whole world is going grey. That greyness has no shine, there is no black and white.In The day when autumn comes it's very hard to distinguish between good and evil..It is very hard to follow just one road. Here comes the day....

I don't really care about the date, don't care about the hour, only thing that matters it's that everything is grey. My thoughts are grey. Here comes the day, you have to pack and leave. There is a long way to go, a way which begins and ends in autumn.

понеделник, октомври 15, 2001

some posts that I will publish, like the previous one are written long or not some long time ago but the thing is .....they were originally written in macedonian.....and they were supposed to be some kind of bad or better poetry.....but translated in english.....these poems are becoming mutants.....and I am very sorry for this

I have a song to sing.......

I COULD SLEEP FOR THOUSAND YEARS....... and so on and so forth.......

and that's why I am going to sleep and don't bore you too much today:)

and btw........if you visit my site.......


nobody's signing it
pls tell me that this site is good or that it stinks

tell me anything
any feedback is worth treasure to me:)

thanks in advance
love you

недела, октомври 14, 2001

Ajvar.com Forum

i believe in things that don't exist poetry is just a exchange for reality that I don't have
or.... to which i don't want to surrender that I don't admit for mine
In autumn, best ballads are being written, the blowing of the wind, the carresing of the leaves, the wind kisses them goodnight telling them bedtime stories about spring
The leaves will be dead by spring, and the wind gives death a magical shape
it makes it easy to stop breathing, the last beat of the heart
The wind is the most noble poet, it is always here to blow to my face when I start fantasizing about the summer

I don't want anybody to catch me writing
it is like shooting a porno movie
while you making love to the paper and the pen

Cloud 9 - Floating along with life

i like the way this blog is written......i love the ideas

btw.....it's another beautifull sunny day in poland and now I am listening to the last album of Nick Cave and reminiscencing my memories from his concert in Wroclaw in may this year.....it was marvellous.....the guy has a great charisma

i want to say sorry for all of you guys visiting my site for my poor English eventhough english is supposed to be my proffesion in life ( the next year I will become, or at least hope to become an English teacher). I have come through many errors in the blosg but most of them are I guess a product of my spontanity....i always post the text without re-reading it and when i see it published I blush because i see that I have made huge mistakes.....but.....nobody's perfect, right?

сабота, октомври 13, 2001

happy first hundred visitors to me!!!!!!!!!
i mean i was like 15 of that hundred but anyway that 80 ppl that visited me......are really more that i have expected
and this is the beggining
wait till i learn so me html:)))
if that day ever comes

anyway.....wish me 100X100 visitors.......and a perfect blog for the future
A Frightened Boy, presented by Joel Veitch

you just have to check this out.....i can't stop laughing.....here you have a little boy, crabs, britney spears and a kazak music:)))))))))
and.......more ......
a radiohead website.

again no update here......since july:(((((
Thursday's Child

checking out some david bowie lyrics.....from the songs from his last album hours which i looooooooveSomething about me stood apart
A whisper of hope that seemed to fail
Maybe I'm born right out of my time
Breaking my life in two

петок, октомври 12, 2001

I've just finished watching THE PEACEMAKER.....for the second time
and it was very interesting to watch for 2 reasons

1. the sarajevo, church scenes and mountain scenes were shoot in my hometown Bitola and thorought Macedonia
2. the recent wtc&pentagon attack......and getting into the mind of a pottential terrorist.....and in a way sympathize with him.....but only in a way of course

anyway, great movie, it opens the eyes on some subjects......universal, global subjects.......and...a great action
Gooseberries.....thos is a link to where I am now, reading gooseberries from chekhov bc i attended 2 short story seminars for this term and by december i will be certainly a short story expert
the biggest reason for me being at the short story seminar is that it is a long story seminar....so, i dont have to read another moby dick again:))))

yesterday I was out with the group from college, in a loud, dark and metal bar......so it was fun and loud....and later me and my two friends were at the guinnes pub and there were lots of english-speaking ppl so we really felt that we are not in wroclaw for a while....anyway after the few beers we vere little tipsy but my friend had saved me money for taxi (i am broke with a big B)and i was brought home with her car...thank u hania:)
and today.....i will rest, no clubbing, no drinking, no loud music.....i will sleep sweets dreams not long after writing this posts and saying hello to all of u who will soon visit my blog

среда, октомври 10, 2001

good evening everybody, it's evening here now.....like....if someone was reading me:))))
i hate it when i am in college from 8 am till 6 p.m
i feel tired, spend too much money on coffe and juice, and run-off
but anyway.....i have to survive this term

yesterday i got inspired from a mail i got and i wrote a verrrrrrrrry long post....but guess what? i clicked on the x button instead of the _ button and my loooooong text had dissapeared and is likely never to return again.....can you imagine the frustration????

do not go to www.projectgutenberg.com......never......
i wanted to find some chekhov short story and guess what i found there???? "die fucken muslims".......maaaaan this is reaallly really sick (it has nothing to do with me taking any side to any war in this world.....i hate war, hate violence, hate when ppl die....)
and i just wanted to read a short story......
and guess what they present themselves as christians.......christian would never do a thing like that
at least not the early christians

two weeks ago i was in krakov and i went to see the polish blockbuster QUO VADIS....and i didn't like the movie....it was too hollywoodish.....but what i like is the idea of the early christianity, the idea of forgiving, loving and justice.....
i loved the character of St.Peter and Paul (only the idea of the character not the acting)
and Michal Bajor acted the roman caesar Neron......i was astonished by his acting skills
i would also loove to see moulin rouge......to see McGreggor and the setting of the movie....
eventhough i have heard that the movie is a failure....but i loved romeo and juliet and since it is from the same director maybe i will like this one too

anyway.....enough blogging for today
got to find that chekhov story
or i get d tommorow

вторник, октомври 09, 2001

i have to learn some html......sometime

not now......
you know what????i started yoga today........i think i wont like it but i need to go because i have to pass this term:)
anyway, i got 2 wonderfull mails today which made me very very very happy, now i feel warm and safe and know that ppl i care for care about me....that's a wonderfull feeling.i wish i could hug them right now and tell them how much i love them.....anyway.....1200 km......it's nice distance to stay away for almost a year and to try to keep some kind of a relationship.....but sometimes.....like this time, it is just worth to try
when you realize the true meaning of love you realise that you don't have to be together all the time (because that's not love, tha's addiction) it's just the feeling that you and the other person are two different entities but after all you make one. and the distance sometimes ( i repeat sometimes) has nothing to do about it....the truth always wins

i feel romantic today, eventhough i am again tired
i had to look up in a dictionary some 30 names of fish..........geeeeeee.........that was awful.......i hate my conversation classes, nothing personal mr.b ( very un-communicative american trying to teach us some english)
i think i am going to become a fish expert:)
hmmmmmmm.......nothing to add.
to lazy to talk about nonsense
to lazy to be a philosoph today
so i guess i will leave this alone

i have received my first critics and congratulations on my blog......and I want you to know that i really appreciate it.....so thank you very very much for wasting your time of reading me:)

my father's birthday live

4 people in the dining room
talking about politics
my mother and father (polish and a macedonian)at this moment are trying to explain to the couple visiting them (polish) about the same suffering of afgan woman and serbian woman and a macedonian woman......trying to persuade them that they all suffer as much as american women who had lost their family, children and friends from the 11 september terrorist attack. And the couple finds it difficult to understand. They think that only the americans have the right to suffer and they simpatise with them and they think that all the innocent civillians killed in the nato campaign in serbia a year ago (children, women, btw children's hospital also) is a collateral damage

there is no collateral damage folks
at least not for me
every human suffering is worth the same prize
and has to deserve the same attention and sympathy
that's what makes us human
the power to feel, symphatise and forgive
the power to be tolerant, to see the situation from more than one side, to think-rationally

понеделник, октомври 08, 2001

it's my father's 44th birthday today........wish him everything the best and to always be the greatest father as he has always been.......XXXXX

i have drunk few glasses of votka.......it feeeeeeeeeels gooooood
listening to macedonian folk blueeeeeees
the best blues in the world
i guess you dont't really know what I am talking about right now.....it takes a balkan soul to understand it.......sorry, not my fault:)

zajdi zajdi jasno sonce
ej gidi ludi mladi godini
so maki sum se rodila
snoshti minaf pokraj vazi

and last but not least.........aj zasvirete mi calgiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


just.....to leave something from inside
i finished (almost) what i had to do.......and i am very happy about it
and.....had the very first italian lesson in my life
and......very sad after watching the news, learning about a new plane catastrophy in milan and dead civillians in asia
now.....taking a rest in front of my blog of course.....suffering from slow connection
i am truly ........veeeeeeeery tired

i guess i will leave now to learn some italiano:))))))

just wanted to say good morning from wroclaw, poland.....
it's going to be an ugly day:((((((((

недела, октомври 07, 2001

i've just turned off the television
war against terror has started
american folks are in front of the tv watching another war in live eating popcorn
and i want you to think about all the fear tonight at cabul
as well as i feel sorrow for all those who died in new york
as well as i feel sorrow for jews, and palestinians, and all the people which are hurt because the big guys are plying with cruise missiles
i only hate the big guys
we r all toys in their hands
our life and death depends on them

and god bless all macedonian soldiers who gave their life for the freedom of the sold country of Macedonia
and god bless all the ppl who truly fight for peace in the world
god bless those who can love their enemy, or at least understand it as a human beeing and stop the war

I'm talking nonsense
these words that i have written are pure bullshit
don't read them

i'll go and watch some movie
and forget about the things that nobody can solve
after all it's asia right?
not my city
(eventhough it has be mine)

dear blog
i feel helpless
tommorow.......i hate mondays......must go and do some shitty bueraucratic (or whathever it is written) things in college.........like begging for a sign, like knocking on some 50 doors and be sent to 50 more......then going to some psychology lessons.......and then a little writing with dear mr Sullivan.......
and smoking a pack of cigarretes
and going home.....
and be broke again.....because it occurs that you cant afford a cup of coffe from the college bar......
and......blah blah blah.....
i want this week to end soon
or at least the nest few days
i just want to be a regular student on the third year, to get my schollarship and buy myself some books and do some homework
everything except for bureaucracy:((((((((((((((
oooh it;s another boring and lazy sunday......i hate sundays......on one hand is good because you can rest and everything but on the other hand......that rest gets boriiiiing.....all the shops are closed......i must walk 5 streets just to buy myself cigarretes.......it's terrible when you dont have cigarretes in sunday
at the moment i'm listening to radiohead's kid a
how to dissapear completely and never be found
from a tape
now......i'm going for a smoke to the kitchen, make myself some coffe and back to blogging
:)maybe to write something more in here
because.......it's naked:(

сабота, октомври 06, 2001

i got very nervous reading a provocation adressed to me and to my friends from ajvar.com discussion forum.....something like all gaurs will die and nonsense like that..........
i hate one thing in this world
it is called BRAIN WASHING
and the bigger part of the planet is consisted of brain-washed people.....thinking that what they think and feel and the way they live is the only apropriate way.....or worse......feel that they are chosen by some powerfull force to destroy you.....
i fear these ppl eventhough they make me laugh....
this world is a ugly place
there will never be peace
there will never be ultimate happines and liberty
no way....
i cannot believe that
i spent the day reading e.a.poe's black cat, book on radiohead by alex ogg ( which is a pure document....and i expected something else, really) and after that, i tried to read hills like white elephants from Hemingway.....but i was to lazy to finish it....
it's a beautifull, sunny day again
sitting in front of my notebook and playing some matching game....which has taken me like 20 minutes of my precious time
yesterday evening i found out that i am a bankrupt and i went out feeling very ill and went home early.....if 2 a.m is early, anyway i got a strange phonecall at 1.a.m one more icq-guy asking me to join him at some disco, of course, he was refused......eventhough my friend actually wanted me o go and meet the guy but........you know, i'm not so crazy as I may look like
this weekend is going to be a peacefull one.....
i think i am tired
i need some rest
and I hope I'll get it

петок, октомври 05, 2001

i would like to know if i can put some web-gems here, such us web counter, guestbook or something like that....
if anybody knows......anam22@hotmail.com is waiting for your mail:)
...it.s already dark here, coffee is great.....now i ll go to the kitchen for a smoke
My name is ania.......i am in wroclaw, poland at this moment eventhough very often i would like to be in another place.....more to the south, the balkans, macedonia
but....i am here now, and it looks like that it is going to be this way in the next 3 years (until i finish my college) and maybe longer.....maybe i will finally like it here and hate it there.....
but anyway, the thing is.......i hate changes
like, i had my chance to be happy once......and what happened......i had to go back to poland.....had to go back to college.....to the traffic jam and stinky trams
but....on the other hand i know that i must be happy for what i have, and own, and feel, and think.....
it can always get worse
here it/s 6.14 pm.....it's europe here:)))))gtm or something
it's friday night, in few hours time I' m going to spend some money on beer.....
going to dance a little while on underworld.....or whathever the dj is going to play tonight and late in thew evening....suppose, coffe and milk at SkY.....nice coffe bar for 4 a clock in the morning

the sun is going down
the temperature is falling
got to go now, to find some articles about euthanasia for my friend
this is my first post
this is my first blog
i don't know what this thing is going to look like
i haven't really read a blog
i don't know why you should read mine
i know one thing
and I am certain about it.........I HAVE TO WRITE
i need to write
and this is just another form of expressing myself
to just.....leave something from inside:)